Jin Ho paused. Her feelings were hurt, and she was annoyed with him. He could see it on her face. "Why don't I come tomorrow?" he asked softly. "At a reasonable hour, and cook you dinner?" He smiled a gentle smile. "I — I'm sorry I'm so awkward lately. I'm exhausted and I have a lot on my mind," he said. "I hope you can forgive me."

Her acceptance swept over him like relief and he closed his eyes for a moment, taking it in. Thank goodness. Even if he wasn't up to his best, Hoshi was always there for him. He needed to be better for her. As he bid her goodnight and walked home, he thought about what he would do to make it up to her, and how he could begin to open the door to talk about what was on his mind, about marriage.

The next evening Jin Ho made sure he got off work on time and went home to change into warm and comfortable clothing. He looked more like himself with a clean shaven face, neat and tidy braid, charcoal grey trousers and a handmade-by-his-mother soft sea green sweater. He felt more like himself, too. Hoshi's soothing presence had given him a few hours of sleep the night before, and his plans had given him something to look forward to. It was a very welcome change. He had all the things for dakjuk in his house already — it was a common winter food. Jin Ho often made it for himself because he could eat it for days. He hummed a little as he put ingredients into a worn brown bag, preparing to take them to Hoshi's. On the way he stopped to buy some soju.

When he arrived at Hoshi's apartment, Jin Ho's eyes were bright and he seemed in much better spirits than usual. He grinned as she opened the door, arms full of soju and ingredients — even a whole chicken! "Hi," he said, grinning hopefully, "I thought I'd make dakjuk for you. Perfect weather for it, huh?" Getting into the place he immediately set the soju on the table and went to the kitchen with the rest.

"I assumed you have kimchi," he called out as he began to trim the chicken, "so I didn't bring mine. You do, right? Or should I go home to get mine?" He couldn't imagine Hoshi being with kimchi. Mrs. Jeon always had some ready and a batch fermenting besides! He placed the chicken in a pot with washed rice and added a lot of water, turning heat on underneath. Once the heat was on, Jin Ho threw a ton of garlic into the pot. It would have to cook for a while, and that was what the soju was for. They could enjoy drinking a little while he prepared the geotjeori.

Jin Ho smiled a little. He pressed a sweet kiss to Hoshi's forehead as she tipped her glass before taking a drink from his own. "I got some sleep," he said, "miraculously. I could use more, but I'm at a point where anything is better than nothing." He set the glass of soju aside and began washing leaves for the salad — lettuce, perilla, chrysanthemum leaves, all of them turned over in Jin Ho's strong hands as he cleaned them slowly. He left them wet and tore the lettuce and chrysanthemum leaves by hand into bite size pieces. The perilla he cut into strips. "So," he said slowly, "tell me about your new friend again. I'm afraid I was out of sorts last time." He looked up at her and smiled. "A boy friend, right?" Was his jealousy obvious?

Probably.

The policeman set to work on the dressing, mixing soy sauce, vinegar and sugar together. He whisked them steadily until the sugar dissolved and then added sesame seeds and oil, hot pepper powder, and other seasonings to make the dressing taste just right. The greens were tossed with the sauce and then the whole bowl was put aside, waiting on the chicken to cook. They had hours now to talk. Normally that didn't even give him pause. Why was he so nervous around her lately?

Going to the table, Jin Ho took a seat across from Hoshi. "I have to tell you something," he said, "and I don't think you're going to like it much. But I —" he rubbed at the back of his neck, nervous. "I've been feeling awkward lately and I know you've noticed. I didn't mean to make you so angry with me yesterday, but I realize I did." There was no use in her denying it, either. Jin Ho knew her like the back of his hand.

He wasn't sure how to get around to spitting it out. The trouble was that he wanted to say he'd broken up with Mizu after their talk about him loving her, but he didn't want her to think that he meant that he liked women. Jin Ho was more sure than ever, now that he'd had a boyfriend, that he was attracted to men and men only. The thought of sleeping, sexually, with Hoshi was.... well, boring. It didn't bother him, that is to say, he did not find the thought off-putting. But it didn't excite him. It was the same as thinking of doing laundry. Jin Ho was sure he couldn't say he likened sleeping with her to doing laundry to her face and have her be pleased. So what could he say?

If he said he had feelings for her, would she know what he meant? Jin Ho didn't want to insult his dearest friend. He wasn't even sure what he thought of her as, to be honest. Just a friend? Surely not. A lover? No. Then what? What other categories were there? He sighed, realizing his face must surely be conveying his inner torture. "I'm confused," he said, finally. "About you. And me."

"He's very kind — a healer from the Northern Water Tribe, who came here to help people. Isn't that sweet? ... He was telling me about comic books, and I was thinking of picking one up. Did you know there is one about a girl learning to cook? I asked someone at the bookstore a couple of blocks from here about it and she says it is also a romance. Imagine! I thought comic books were just for children."

Of course they weren't just for children. Jin Ho happened to own quite a few ah... romantic... comic books of his own. He flushed a little but just nodded. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it," he said. "It sounds like it's right up your alley, doesn't it?"

He smiled when she said she was always hungry.

What is there to be confused about? I'm here for you, as always. And you are here for me, no?

Jin Ho sighed and rested his head in his hands so he didn't have to look at her. "Of course I am," he said mournfully, "it's just that I — I wasn't truthful with you, entirely, about why Mizu and I broke up. I — " Now that the words had started, he found he couldn't stop. They came pouring out. "He said it was like I was also in love with you, and at first I thought that was ridiculous, but I — maybe it's not, and maybe I am, except I don't... I'm still not... we can't...." oh, stop talking, Jin Ho! This was going even worse than he'd feared. "With the sex. I'm not really.... you know." Instantly he got up to go and stir the soup, trying to regain his composure.

Damn! Now he had ruined everything! That was the single least graceful way to air that laundry!

He startled a little when she slipped her arms around him, but relaxed instantly. He was still on high-alert, even now. It was frustrating to always be on the lookout for something. He swallowed as he stirred the soup. Yes, he loved her. It was pretty obvious, though he'd been trying to avoid saying so. She made him happy, comfortable. She understood him. He felt that he was a better person when he spent time with her. All of those things were what love was supposed to be. Love didn't have to be sexual to be romantic, did it?

" love you. I don't care if we never do that. I can't be like that for you. That's okay. That you love me back, like this, at all is enough."

"Well I don't care," said Jin Ho without thinking, "if you have a lover on the side to satisfy you outside the marriage. I mean, I probably would." Suddenly realizing he'd just spoken assuming she understood him, he flushed, but couldn't get anything else out. How presumptuous! What sane person would agree to such an arrangement?

Although, given how often monogamous couples seemed to cheat on each other, it might seem like a great idea to plenty of people. They could both have the stability of a home with someone they loved, children, loving families... but they could also both enjoy whatever they liked outside of that, within certain boundaries. It would probably take a lot of work, but wasn't it possible? Surely it was possible. Jin Ho bit his lip. "This will be ready soon," he said, even though it wasn't really all that 'soon' that the dakjuk would be ready. It still had an hour to cook at least.

Pulling away from her, he wandered into her living room and flopped onto her sofa. While he was only average height, he could still take up a whole sofa when lying across it. Absently, Jin Ho toyed with his hair. Wouldn't his parents be happy if he married Hoshi? It would be their dream come true!