I am ashamed...

« Reply #6 on Jan 7, 2006, 6:54pm »

Katara raised an eyebrow. "Well, what do you want to talk about?" Kiishu was acting mighty strange....

{{ ooc;; OH. MY. GAWD. Massive post. 12,041 characters, totaling 2,096 words. Happy, Karena? :3 }}

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Village with teh gAangzors

With a nod to Xiaoyu, the young firebender let himself be led away by the taller, stronger man. He ought to have known that Lakano wouldn't have missed the teary-eyed-ness, and Hatsuharu was kicking himself mentally for allowing himself to show that weakness. And there went the waterworks again! The hallway swam as his vision blurred with tears, and he hoped to whatever deities were out there that he wouldn't lose it and start bawling like a baby. It seemed like an eternity, but finally they were in the room. Makaro wasn't there, thank goodness (Hatsuharu couldn't remember if he was at dinner or not), and it wasn't long before Lakano had steered him to a bed and sat him down.

“Why were you crying back there? Please don’t say it’s nothing, because I know that’s not true. It’s your father, isn’t it?"

It was a fair question, but still he struggled to respond. Haru loved Lakano, with all his heart and soul, but his father — that day — it was a day like no other, one he hoped never to repeat, or even come close to repeating. The redhead opened his mouth to respond, but the words just wouldn't come. It was like squeezing something out of a cylinder with no opening - everything was too tight, his chest hurt from the pressure. Vaguely he could feel Lakano's hand on his waist, and drew strength and comfort from the touch. Still, the response wouldn't come.

“What happened between you two?”

The concern and worry was evident in Lakano's voice. Maybe Haru was imagining it, but was that a hint of desperation? No, no, not desperation. Need. Lakano needed to know, needed to understand. The young man finally turned his head to look at his boyfriend, and was taken aback at the startling blue eyes staring intently into his. Those eyes, those beautiful azure eyes; they were filled with concern, worry... pain. Pain at not knowing, pain at guessing, pain because the person in his arms was hurting and he couldn't help.

That pain was what broke him. He flung his arms around Lakano's neck, holding him close and tight, sobbing into the beautifully tanned shoulder. Hatsuharu sobbed uncontrollably, the agony of his past bursting free like a dam let loose. Three years. Three years.

It was a few minutes before his tears subsided. He drew away from his boyfriend, sniffling and hiccuping, rubbing all the unattractive tear stains and runny nose-ness from his face with his handkerchief. Luckily he always carried one in his pocket, no? Ew. He'd have to wash this now. Gross.

He looked at Lakano, who was still waiting, ever so patiently, for a response. Hatsuharu nodded, hiccuping still. His boyfriend deserved to know. Even though they'd only been a couple for a few months, those few months had not only been bliss, but chock-full of bonding and adventure that would either tear a couple apart or bring them together. They were the latter couple.

With a deep breath, Haru launched into his story, his voice soft and quavering slightly. It was a little over three years ago when it had happened....

••••••••••••

... "Just tell him, Hari'i!"

Xiaoyu was pushing him again. Tell father, tell father, tell father. The teen pushed his sister away, grinning. "Yeah, yeah, easy for you to say, Xiao-nee! You're daddy's little angel." He stuck his tongue out at her playfully. His near-twin returned the favour, her almost identical face mirroring his own. "Daddy's little angel my foot," she retorted. "Just tell him. You'll never know unless you do."

Hatsuharu was really hesitant. Suuya, his father, wasn't exactly the word's most tolerant man when it came to his son. He was already disappointment after disappointment in his father's eyes. Naturally talented firebender, wanting nothing more than to cook, rather than continue the family business of weapon smithing. Of course Xiaoyu wouldn't understand. They shared a lot of things — looks, upbeat personality, love of looking go~o~o~od-- but Suuya's disappointment was one of the few dissimilarities they had. Being the eldest, and a girl, Xiaoyu could do little wrong in their father's eyes. She was beautiful, talented, and well loved by the community. Hatsuharu, on the other hand... he could see the looks as he went through the capital, the other Fire Nation citizens smiling to his face but talking behind his back. Suuya Shipachi's odd child. The girl-boy. So many hurtful names. Still, they were just words. Suuya may have been disappointed in his son, but they were still family, right?

"Haru! Pay attention!"

He snapped back to reality. Xiaoyu was staring at him, pouting, hands on her hips. "Gods, you are such an airhead! You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" she accused. The redhead blushed sheepishly. "'Fraid not, onee-chan," he confessed. The older girl sighed, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "I sa~a~a~aid, 'besides, it's your birthday. Father wouldn't be mean to you on your birthday!'"

He pondered this for a moment. As much as he wanted to believe his sister, he feared the consequences. "Haru, you're seventeen now," Xiaoyu reminded him. As if he needed reminding. "You're practically a man now. He's gotta respect you." A mischievous grin crossed his mirror image's face. "Tell him, or I'll tickle you til you pee yourself." Haru chucked a pillow at her, and Xiaoyu tumbled back on the bed, laughing. "Fine, okay, I'll tell him after the party tonight, miss." Xiaoyu chucked the pillow back, smacking him straight in the face. "See that you do."

A soft knock at the door interrupted their conversation. "Come in, okaasan!" they said in unison. The door opened a jar, and Kiteru, their mother, poked her head in. "Haru-chan," she murmured in her gentle way, "your guests are arriving." She smiled warmly at her son and daughter before closing the door again.

Haru looked at his sister, face a little pale. "Showtime."

••••••••••••

Haru paused his story telling. Maybe the information wasn't so important, the whole set up, but he had to say it. Not that he was blaming Xiaoyu for what happened, but Lakano had to understand that he had never been comfortable with the idea of telling his father. It wasn't that his father was a homophobe, it was just the fact that it was his son. His disappointment of a son, who would no longer carry the family name. The Shipachi name died when Haru did, since if Xiaoyu married she'd take the surname of her husband.

The redhead stood, looking around for something to drink. As much as he loved to talk, he was already emotionally drained and needed something to quench his thirst. Luckily, the innkeepers provided all the rooms with fresh pitchers of water at regular intervals through the day, and Haru poured himself a cupful. The liquid hit his parched tongue like rain on drought-plagued lands; so cool, so refreshing. Quickly he drained one cup, then another, and another. Once he had his fill, he set the cup down on the little table, his back still turned. He just needed a moment to regain his composure. It was as if an old wound, one not quite healed, had been made anew. Painful, but therapeutic. Hatsuharu turned to Lakano, leaning up against the table. It wasn't that he needed to be away from his boyfriend -quite the opposite- but the firebender was afraid that if Lakano showed any sympathy during the next part of his story that he'd be unable to continue.

Gripping the edge of the table, fingers digging into the wood, Haru fixed his amber eyes on the floor at some invisible fascinating spot and continued his story. The party itself wasn't important, but what had happened after....

••••••••••••

... It was getting late by the time the last guest left. Kiteru was in the kitchen, helping the servants clean up the dishes and gift wrappers. A decent birthday celebration to be sure. Nothing too elaborate, but a delicious four course meal, not including the fabulous moon-pie dessert. That had to be the biggest moon-pie Hatsuharu had ever seen. Yum, red bean paste!

Suuya was relaxing with his feet up, browsing through some scrolls of something or other. He was relaxed, moderately in a good mood; hard to tell for sure, though. Hatsuharu couldn't remember the last time the man smiled. Wait, scratch that. It was when Haru discovered he could firebend. Over a decade ago.

Kiteru came into the sitting room, wiping her hands on a cloth. She smiled at her family, handing the cloth over to a nearby servant who quickly disappeared to properly dispose of it. When she sat down next to her husband, Xiaoyu gave a dainty little cough. Hatsuharu glared daggers at her, but she rolled her eyes and glanced at their father.

Tell him tell him tell him tell him.

The redhead glanced at the ceiling; his bags were on the floor of his room, packed and ready to go, just in case. Xiaoyu had scoffed at him, reassuring him that Suuya would be fine with everything. Both of them knew though, that it was a lie. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as he feared, but there was no way that Suuya would be 'fine'. Xioayu cleared her throat again. Get on with it! her eyes said. Haru glared some more, before addressing his father.

"Otousan?"

Suuya looked up from his scrolls. "Yes?" he said, gruffly. "What is it, Haru?"

The redhead fingered the hem of his shirt nervously. "I... have something to tell you," he began lamely. His throat was dry, his heart, pounding a jittery and erratic tattoo against his chest. "Well, you see, I.. uh..." His father raised an eyebrow impatiently. "Yes, son, what is it?"

So Haru began to tell him. How different he felt, how he never quite fit in. How awkward it had been playing with other boys his age. How he never knew quite what to do when surrounded by his peers, in every sense of the word. How the sensation of being different haunted him during the day, and plagued his dreams at night. How it had taken forever to figure it out, but he finally had.

He paused, afraid to continue. Suuya seemed to sense his hesitation, and nodded for his son to go on. The redhead glanced at Xiaoyu, who nodded her support. 'Tell him,' she mouthed. Kiteru was smiling at him in encouragement. He had never told his mother, but like any attentive mother she had guessed it ages ago. Hatsuharu drew strength from their support, and barreled forward.

"I... um.... like.... men......"

Silence. Haru glanced at Xiaoyu in alarm. Silence was never a good thing with their father. Never. His sister nodded more urgently, telling him to continue before Suuya could speak. He plucked up his courage and hastened to explain.

"That is to say, uhm... I have romantic inclina-——"

"Shut up."

Hatsuharu's mouth snapped shut. Kiteru was staring at her husband, her mouth agape. Haru glanced sidelong at his sister, and found his own frightened and horrified expression mirrored in her face. Suuya was standing now, his features darked by the light of the fire behind him. He seemed to tower over his family, his shadow stretching and blocking Haru's light.

"Get. Out." Suuya told him through gritted teeth. "Two hours. Then you're gone." And he swept out of the room.

••••••••••••

"... so I grabbed my bags, said goodbye to my mother and Xiaoyu, and left. That was three years ago, maybe a little longer; I've been on my own ever since, pretty much, though okaasan and Xiao-nee send me money ever so often to help pay for the overhead costs of my tea shop." His voice cracked, and he hated it. Hatsuharu was still staring at that same spot on the floor; not once had he looked up during the continuation of his tale, as if that spot mesmerised him.

His heart was pounding in his chest; he could hear it reverberating in his eardrums. His fingernails were still dug into the wood of the table, fingertips raw and starting to bleed. The young man wanted to convey to Lakano, somehow, that his father wasn't a horrible man. That it was just that he was disappointed, and the disappointment was too much to bear, considering everything else Haru had let him down on. But, the words wouldn't come. He just stood there, mute, waiting for his boyfriend to speak.

^_^;'