Display Name: Yukino Akimishu
Age: 17
Gender: Female

~

The rain was pouring down violently, pounding against her skin. She screamed his name as loud as she could. "KITUA!!!" She was crying hard, and couldn't see that well anymore. She tripped, fell, and cut her knee on a rock, gasping out in pain. "Damnit... K-Kitua... Why...? Why did you have to leave...?" She stood up staggering, rubbing her eyes, trying to find shelter. She then spotted a cave, and ran into it for cover.

She leaned against the wall of the cave, and slunk down. Now sitting on the cave floor. She pulled her legs up to her chest, and softly started to sob. She hated him. "K-Kitua..." A shutter ran through out her body, and she clutched her knee crying out in pain again. Just as she did so, she heard thunder from over head. Loud roaring thunder, causing her to grab her head, and wince in pain, her headaches acting again, tears rolling down her cheeks from the loneliness, and the pain. The thunder grew louder, and louder until her headaches caused her to black out...

Yukino - I think that your post is a good start. You've got the right idea, I think, but I just don't think you have enough of if. It's just that - a start. Your spelling and grammar seems good, and it's very clear that the character is in pain. However, I don't know who this character is, who Kitua is, why he or she is important to her, why he or she left, where the main character is at the moment... You need more description, in other words, more explanation. Other than that, like I said, you're on the right track, I just need more of it.

Please make the changes to your post and then post it again. For now, it's DENIED.

Name: Kaato
Age: 16
Gender: Male

The air was heavy with smoke. Buildings burned, children screamed, and one man stood amidst it all. A man who wore a dark hood covering his hate filled face.  Kaato hated the regular people who had caused this chaos. The six foot earthbender glanced around him.  

A roof started to burn, then the whole line of houses caught as numerous torches were thrown through the windows. The plants nearby started to burn. The fire created a face from itself. The face of the man that ruled the nation responsible for this war. The face laughed as it fell upon the hooded man. 

Kaato opened his eyes ans sat upright so fast he hit his head on the ceiling of the earth tent he had constructed for himself. I need to make these tents larger.he thought as he dressed. He finished dressing and deconstructed the tent making it earth again. His green eyes sparkled in the morning sunlight as the man walked in the forest in the Earth Kingdom. The messy haired earthbender sat down to rest when he smelled smoke. He looked to the east and saw a small pillar of smoke drifting upward. Kaato forgot his rest and ran in the direction of the smoke. He burst out of the trees minutes later to see a horrifying site. Oh my God.he thought as he stared at the burning town. It was the town from his dream.     

Display Name: Yukino Akimishu
Age: 17
Gender: Female

~

It was a cold, windy night, and Yukino was walking through a large, dark forest, lost... And for the first time, in years... She was scared... Her eyes darted around the forest nervously, and she softly called out her brother's name praying he was there. "K-Kitua...?" There was no response. She started to walk a bit faster, getting more, and more nervous, as it got darker, and darker. She then heard a loud thunder clap that made her grab her head in pain It then started to rain harshly. But she kept walking, after hearing rumors of him being in the village just past this forest she had to see for herself.

It was harder for her to see now, the memories of her brother flooding back, cause her to start crying. The rain began mixing in with her tears. She then stumbled, lost her balance, and fell, cutting her knee on a sharp rock. She held it, whimpering, and shaking from the pain. She looked around rubbing her eyes trying to find shelter. She saw a dark, dank cave, the entrance blocked by a few trees, but not enough so that she couldn't slip through.

The thunder continued to roar over head, the rain only poured harder, and she gripped her head trying to block out the noise her headaches coming back. The pain was to intense, and she leaned against the wall of the cave, then slunk down to the floor, and pulled her knees to her chest. She sobbed into them crying in a mix of pain, and loneliness. "Kitua... Why did you leave...? I could have been there for you... B-But you just ran away... I hate you...!" She sobbed harder as the words passed her lips. She could never hate him. She loved him... She wanted to protect him...

The thunder roared loudly once again, and the pain was like a hot needle to her brain. It was so intense, and painful, that she collapsed on the floor of the cave, shaking, and writhing in pain.

She merely uttered, "K-Kitua..." one last time before she passed out.

Yukino - Much better! Just one little thing... It seems that you're a little confused as to what you're asking for. If you had just posted in a thread for the first time, people would not understand your posts because they don't know who your character or what she looks like. You can't assume that they have read your profile. On that note, I would like you to go and edit your profile once and say that as well as where she is. Is the on Earth, or in Avatar World? I am confused, because it could be either one. Please make these changes. Thank you. Once again, DENIED.

Kaato - I'm not sure you're understanding I'm asking for, because I think this sample isn't as good as the last one. I still have no idea where your character is or what he looks like. I wasn't sure that the part in itailcs was a dream or what it was utnil the end. Why did he dream it, because it seems unrealistic that he would have a premonition. You do not have to re-write a new sample. Like Yukino, you can work with the one you posted. Regarldess, your second sample is also DENIED.

Display Name: Ankita Ametashi
Age: 16
Gender: Female

Darkness leaked its way into Ankita’s tent as she lay on her bed roll. Silence had fallen across the camp long ago, the sounds of the animals far off. Her own pet, Yuko, a bird of humongous size, but perfect reflexes, has fallen asleep. His head was buried deep into the russet colored feathers of his wings.

Yuko moved slightly purring softly in his sleep. The girl’s eyes snapped open. As quietly as she could, she slipped out of her bed roll. She could not risk waking the two twin girls that she shared the tent with. She did not bother to put her shoes on. She felt trapped in them as if a part of her was stuck and they made noise.

Ankita had just moved the tent flap out of her way when a soft whistle sounded behind her. Her head whipped around to see Yuko, his wide eyes following her. Sighing, she held out her arm for him. He flew to her and landed, walking gently up her arm until he was on her shoulder. With that, she left the tent, quickly but also silently, making her way out of the group of tents. She had no idea where she was going or why she was risking everything tonight. If she was caught, her entire world would come crashing down.

She stopped in a large clearing allowing Yuko to interest himself in a fruit tree. Checking the surrounding area, she made sure that there was no one near to see. Sure that she was definitely alone, she found the center of the area. Here she pulled her arms close to her body. Carefully, she moved her left arm up and pulled back in a slow curve. She watched as a long string of fire followed, the light glinting in her hazel eyes. She repeated the movement with her right hand and then moved on to pulling it back and forth in front of her.

“Do you want to get caught?”

Startled the young girl spun around to face the owner of the voice. There was no one there or anywhere else in the field. Turning to look at Yuko she saw that he was still intent on finding the animal that called the tree home. If there had been someone else in the clearing, he would warn her. An absurd thought came to her, but she shook it off. There was no way that Yuko could talk.

Returning to her exercise, she decided to change her movements. This time she took both hands and clapped them together. From that position she pulled them apart allowing a long fire ball to form. She turned towards a weed in the middle of the clearing and prepared to throw the fire at it.

“Stop it!

Ankita jumped sky high when the voice yelled this time. The fireball in her hand dissipated. She recognized the voice, she had grown up hearing it and no one else’s for a long time. Looking up she found that once again there was no one there. Growling in anger at the cruel game someone was playing on her, she lifted her hand. A spew of fire flew out, lighting up the entire clearing and the surrounding area.

Something suddenly grabbed at her arm and the young girl choked back a scream. The fire disappeared as she looked. There he was as tall she imagined he would be. Standing there was her brother, Raian, now nineteen. She took in everything about his looks. From his silky black hair cut short to his brown eyes glinting with sorrow. She had not seen him since the accident when the Fire Nation ship had exploded. She could feel his iron grip burning into her skin. She looked up into his eyes and she knew.

“Ankita, stop it. You don’t want to ruin this,” he whispered.

The young girl did not listen. She had figured it all out and she wrenched away angrily from the grip. Her brother frowned and disappeared into the air. He had not existed to begin with. He had only been a figment of her imagination. A hallucination conjured up by her fear and her pain.

Calling Yuko to her, she returned to the tent village with her heart empty. How she missed her brother. He was the only one who had ever understood. He was alive, somewhere out there, but she was stuck here in the Earth Kingdom, far from the place she called home. She was far from anyone that she could trust only because of who she was and where she had come from. Curling up into her bed roll later, she bit back the urge to cry. Soon she would tell them and if they hated her, then that was that. At least then she was not a liar.

Ankita - Wel, it's obvious that you know how to write. My only thing is that there isn't much description. I get the general gist of where you are, but I don't really know. If I were responding, I would have to make it myself. Also, I don't know what your character looks like except for she has hazel eyes. Your sample is ACCEPTED, on the condition that you work on your description in your posts.

Display Name: Mzia
Age: 13
Gender: Female

Post-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night was silent and dark, perfect for Mzia. She could hide in the shadows and wait, wait for the perfect moment. This nobleman knows information dear to Mzia, information to find the one that attacked her sanctuary. He had a link to the one who had destroyed her hope. Finally she could step forward on her path. She sits on a rock, closing her eyes, the only sense of the sun in the night. The hooded figures appeared before her closed eyes, a gasp of rage escaped her. One hooded figure stood, pick pocketing her guardians after their death. One turns towards her, his eyes as black as his miserable soul. Her muscles tightened with the memory, the pure misery and raw rage she felt towards these men. The memory continued, the man now smiling a cold, soulless smile that disgusted her and captivated her all the same. The hooded man laughed and ran through the night, leaving Mzia's tearing face in his wake. She screamed and lashed out in her daze, punching a tree. She opened her eyes to a dent in the tree and bark on the ground. She steadied her breathing and focused her mind. No, these men would not get in the way of her life AND her revenge. Her eyes darted around, surveying the area. Three guards stood at the entrance to the grand home of Abhijata the nobleman. She sighed, "Bad time to leave the bow and arrow at camp" she thought. She pulled out her knives from her boot, only two. They were armed with spears, even if both knives hit she would have to take the last with the swords. "I think he has the advantage" she thought. She shook with rage, clenching her fists. Tears ran down her face, tears of rage and misery, as she stood quickly and ran for her camp, turning her back on her revenge. Running for her life. Again. "And for the last time" she thought as she ran, the speed blowing wind into her like darts "This is the last time they get the better of me" she swore under her breathe, a swear filled with hate and promise.

Mzia - Sorry for taking so long to get to this. I will say though, that you should have PMed me, because Shtiya is Profiles Mod. Anyway, I understand the gist of your post, which is the most important thing. However, I don't know where she is. She could be anywhere - Avatar World or Earth. Also, a minor problem - quotations should be reserved for spoken words. It gets confusing if you're using spoken words for both speaking and thinking. It's advised that you use italics instead for thoughts. There should also always be a punctuation of some kind before the ending of a thought or a spoken sentence, ie, "I thought so," she said.) Also, you should never post in one giant chunk - always split your post up into paragraphs. Also, I have no idea what your character looks like. You can't assume that someone has read your profile. In your first post in a thread, you should make sure and give a brief description of what your character looks like. Please make these changes and post your sample again with the changes. Sorry, but for now, it's DENIED.

Display Name: Mzia
Age: 13
Gender: Female
____________________________________________________________

Mzia looked at the fire nation tavern, in the capitol city everything was guarded. As she approached the door the guards blocked her way, one holding out their hand to collect money. She stared them down with her sunlight eyes “If you want money you’ll let me through, I’m sure somebody in there is looking for a bounty hunter?” she nodded towards the door. The guard laughed “There is a entire wall dedicated to jobs for bounty hunter, maybe you can find somebody’s lost pet?”

“Hilarious,” she thought as she dug through her coin purse “Make fun of the little-girl bounty hunter, ha ha,” She managed to pull out a few copper pieces. The guard looked at the pitiful pile and mumbled “Wow, you DO need the money!” shrugging he grabs the pile and moves aside. Mzia shakes her head and enters the tavern. The first thing that hit her, and I do mean full on punch, was the smell. A horrible smell. “Lovely,” she thinks as she heads to the wall earlier mentioned by the guard. A farmer stands posting a notice.

“Excuse me, I think I might be able to help,” she smiles as the farmer turns to face her. His face was an image of shocked, no doubt about her looks. She wasn’t exactly menacing. She still had the face of a young girls with eyes of a summer sun’s golden rays. She had a long, black braid reaching her waist, with hair sweeping against her forehead. She had muscle, but it was lean and close to her bones, barely showing. The thing that identified her as a bounty hunter was her shadow colored clothing and many weapons.

“Well,” he rubs his chin as he looks at her “Are you a fighter?” She looks at him strangely “No, I’m a dancer!” she shakes her head “Of course I’m a fighter, pretty good with a few weapons too,” she finishes, smiling. The farmer nods “Well, I need somebody to take out some twin thieves who have been stealing my livestock, I can pay you two silver” She shrugs and accepts. As the farmer walks away she thinks “Well…It’s not finding a lost pet…”