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Hakoda| Chieftain of the Southern Water Tribe

raikou
Jan 26, 2009 11:04:54 GMT -6

Post by raikou on Jan 26, 2009 11:04:54 GMT -6

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.:Hakoda | Chieftain of the Southern Water Tribe:.


The flickering light illuminated the man's weathered face as he sat in front of the warm, crackling fire. Bags had formed under the man's eyes from sleepless nights and years of worry and his face was growing old for a thirty seven year old man. His beard, thick and short, covered his jaw, ending in a point on his chin. His messy, long, dark brown hair ends near the middle of his neck, uncut for the longest time. Bangs that would otherwise fall over his eyes are tied back in a bun that emulates the style of the other nations, however, is open and uneven, making him look more wild than most men of his stature. His tied bangs allow him to show off his widow's peak and broad forehead. He has two braids on the right side of his head that fall just below his jaw, resting in front of the ear. His thick brows were raised and his prominent cheeks lifted as he laughed, drunk with happiness and the camaraderie of the group. He and the other men of the Southern Water Tribe were camped on a beach on the coast of the Earth Kingdom. The night sky above them glowed with the light of the stars, the moon happily watching over him and his brethren as they told stories of the past, made plans for the future, and drempt of the day the war with the Fire Nation would be over at long last. For once, the man looked like his old self!

"Hakoda!"

The aged man looked to his right at his friend, Bato. "You'll remember this one!" The man winked and raised his hands, quieting the other warriors. "Now... Old Gran-Gran was giving poor Hakoda grief, telling him how wild and dishonorable he was!" As soon as the men heard Hakoda's name, they all burst into laughter, knowing this was yet another story of his wild and crazy pranks.

"Oh, no! Not this one again!" one of the men laughed, remembering this story all too well.

"Oh! so you do remember this one then!" Bato's eyes gleamed in the firelight, making it look like the old playful energy of his youth had returned to the man. "Why don't you tell us then?" Bato smiled, nudging Hakoda's shoulder.

"Oh, but I-" Hakoda started, but was interrupted by the group encouraging him and pleading with him to tell it. "Alright! You win! So, Gran-Gran was telling me how messy, wild and dishonorable I was. She was so angry. 'Hakoda! You are so wild, so immature! You always act like a child and you act like a... a... a penguin!'" Hakoda did a very bad impression of his mother. At this, all the men laughed, knowing how she would say that if she was at a loss for words. "Now, being the devilish trickster I was, that night I snuck out of my tent." Hakoda leaned in, his light blue eyes a light with the story, drawing everyone further into what he was saying. "All I took was a fishing line and a fish. The next morning, mom woke up and came over to my sleeping bag. 'Hakoda, time to get up!' She said, moving toward the exit of the tent. However, it was then she noticed something strange about the little lump in the bed. Turning back, she examined it again. 'Hakoda, it's time to move.' she tried again. I didn't budge. 'Hakoda, you get up right-' she threw off the covers of the bed!"

"SQUAWK!" all the men chanted, laughing as he reached their favorite part of the story.

"That's right! A penguin jumped out at mom and she ran out of the tent screaming 'HELP! My son's a penguin! My son's a penguin!'" All the men roared at this, remembering the day all too well.

"Hakoda, you tell it better each time!" Bato laughed, slapping his friend's back.

"For me, it gets more and more painful each time! I got paddled for that! Had a red mark the size of a bracelet for a week!" Hakoda laughed, remembering how painful it was to sit down so he packed snow in his pants to numb himself before sitting. It was shortly after that he had met Kya... She had been so beautiful. The man's smile slowly disappeared and stood up.

"I'm going by myself for a bit, leave before I get back and I might turn all you into penguins!"

* * * * *


"Is everything alright?" Hakoda didn't have to look to know Bato had followed him. He was alone, sitting on a log, watching the waves roll in and out.

"Bato, we've been together for a while, huh?" Hakoda asked, the revelation of how old they were striking him once again. It seemed like just days ago they had been kids themselves...

"You bet we have! We've been friends since before we were potty trained!"

Hakoda gave a small hollow laugh. "I know... that's why... if I don't..." Hakoda sighed, the thought breaking his heart. "If I don't make it... through the war I mean... I'd appreciate it if you to look after my kids for me..." Hakoda's cheerful disposition had disappeared, reality setting in harder than before.

"Is this about Kya?" His friend asked softly, sitting down beside him on the log. Hakoda nodded, he couldn't hide anything from him.

"She died protecting Katara..." Hakoda started, his head drooping down to the sand. "protecting our children... I could tell how devistated the kids were ... and I still left them..." He looked up at Bato, his eyes filled to the brim with confusion and sorrow. "Am I a good father? Be honest now."

"You know what I think? I think you were the most devastated of everyone. You are the leader of our Tribe. You bear all the responsibilities of a father to both your kids, and to your tribe." It was Bato's turn to sigh. "There is no easy choice. But, you did the right thing. The rest of the tribe is safe in the South Pole. Like you said, since they took away the water benders, the Fire Nation doesn't have anymore reason to attack. Besides, if they do return, Sokka's going to be there to protect everyone! He is your son after all!" Bato laughed. "And being your son, I've seen a lot of your creative streak in the boy! He'll grow up to be a fine warrior soon enough!" Hakoda smiled.

Hakoda nodded his head, knowing what his friend said made sense. "Thank you, old friend. I needed that." Hakoda stood up and stretched, looking up at the full moon above them. "You think after all this time, I'd be a little wiser than I am now..."

Bato laughed. "They say wisdom comes with age... but they're wrong! Wisdom comes with turning into a crabby old geezer, and you, Hakoda, will never be an old geezer!" Hakoda laughed.

"And you'll be the looniest and crabbiest of all the old geezers out there! You'll be a crabgeezloon!" Hakoda's laugh grew louder, but after a moment realized he was the only one laughing. After clearing his throat, he began walking toward camp. "Well, let's get back to our brothers. It's almost time to turn in for tonight."

"A crabgeezloon?" Bato repeated shaking his head. He stood up and dusted off his pants. "I hope for Sokka's sake he didn't inherit that part of your creativity..." The friends smiled at one another and made their way towards the camp.
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Last edit: Jan 27, 2009 1:10:34 GMT -6

Post by Gia on Jan 27, 2009 0:54:38 GMT -6

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First of all, I want to thank you for applying. We do appreciate it.

Okay, this was a good attempt. The writing is good, but there are some issues with the post.

For instance, we discourage the use of other characters (godmoding) in Canon apps, because you don't get a very good impression of the character you're trying out for. In this case, there is so much dailouge, that it feels like the character development is lost. We get some of it, briefly, but there's not enough. There isn't enough. I would advise re-writing it, taking out all the dailouge, and putting it all in narrative, as we recommend.

Also, there isn't much internal feelings or thoughts.

DENIED (for now)

Also, that doesn't sound like Kanna at all.
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Last edit: Jan 27, 2009 0:57:56 GMT -6
raikou
Jan 27, 2009 9:26:46 GMT -6

Post by raikou on Jan 27, 2009 9:26:46 GMT -6

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well, thank you.

I guess we have differences about what characters in Avatar would say, and that's fine. Your RP style is different than mine, and that's fine too. However, it is my opinion that only having narritive would lose the personality of this character. Perhaps I could have a little less diolouge, but I think I captured his inner turmoil through what he said in the second section... and his prankster side in the first. It may just be because I wrote it and know what I meant when writing it, but having a different way to express emotion than saying: 'he was sad' or 'a wave of pain and grief washed over him as he remembered his little boy' is something not many people try. If you want me to re-do this with more inner and less talk, I'd be glad to, however, be prepared to see things you may not agree with in my character choice.

Do not bash me for what I think they would say vs what you think they would say. Even if you are Admin, you still have to understand not everyone is going to agree with you on how characters sound and each person has to bring their own voice to the characters.

^ ish a strong belief of mine, why it's bolded ^
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Last edit by raikou: Jan 27, 2009 9:29:18 GMT -6

Post by Gia on Jan 28, 2009 14:36:56 GMT -6

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First of all, this is bashing:

That was stupid. What were you thinking?

That was not what I said. I said that your writing was good, and told you a few things you should do if you wanted your post accepted and that Kanna wouldn't act like that. That is not bashing. Do not jump to conclusions and see things that aren't there.

On another note, if you don't want to do what I suggested - then don't. You're the one applying for Hakoda. You're the one who, obviously, wants the character or you wouldn't have applied. The other members of the Core Staff are likely to agree with me. We usually think along the same lines. I told you what you should do, and if you don't want to do it, then don't. Like I said, you're the one applying, not me.
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raikou
Jan 28, 2009 18:44:55 GMT -6

Post by raikou on Jan 28, 2009 18:44:55 GMT -6

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alright, sorry about the miscommunication. computers aren't exactly the best tools to use for words sometimes. Putting emotion to the words in several ways changes the meaning of what was said by both sides entirely. I'd be happy to edit my post to fit more of what you think will get accepted.

~ sorry about the mini rant XD
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Post by A Long Display Name Here on Jan 28, 2009 21:40:42 GMT -6

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I'm going to ignore the bickering points of the past three posts. =P

Like Karena said, it's a good sample; however, I feel there is a bit too much godmodding. Sure, RPing is about interacting with other characters, but I really want to see the person you're applying for shine through the post — it's very difficult to do so when incorporating NPCs, or other characters that you are NPCing. In fact, at times, I feel this sample is more for Bato, rather than Hakoda.

Regardless of what Kanna and Bato would've said or done in the circumstances you've presented, I don't feel your post is Hakoda; there's too much interference with the other characters.

Personally, I would've done this sample as a personal reflection, instead of using other characters to get the same point across, so that the Core Staff can better determine your capability of RPing as Hakoda, rather than your ability to RP as Hakoda provided you have NPCs to control.

So, for now, I'll deny this application - I hope to see a re-submission, however, as you appear to be a very talented writer.
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Last edit: Jan 28, 2009 21:41:14 GMT -6
Anonymous
Jan 28, 2009 22:14:35 GMT -6

Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2009 22:14:35 GMT -6

I have to agree with my fellow Administrators.

You do use an unique way of showing the characters feeling, and thoughts, but look at it from our point of view, could you do this alone? This post doesn't really illustrate that message to us. What I see is a post that relies too much on other characters, like a crutch.

When you reapply, lose the crutch.
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Post by A Long Display Name Here on Feb 6, 2009 13:03:15 GMT -6

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As it doesn't appear that this will be edited, I'm going to lock and move this into the profiles archive board; Raikou, if you would like to try again, either PM a staff member to move this thread out of archives, or create a new thread in the Canon Applications board.
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